.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: batman trading cards

Superman/Batman: Public Enemies (based on the comic book story of the same name) will be released to DVD later this month. To promote the video, Warner Home Video is offering "virtual collectors cards" on Facebook to fans who waste their time hunt them down by following the daily updates at the video's official site and Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter pages. I find this promotional strategy strangely fascinating.

First of all, the public's interest in collectible cards collapsed nearly 15 years ago. What were once common collectibles are nowadays recognized as just more garbage to clutter your desk. (I should know; there's a Billy Dee Williams as "D. A. Harvey Dent" card from Tim Burton's 1989 Batman starring at me right now.) Since that time, no one on this planet has given two shits about collectible cards except the poor suckers who were stuck with them before humanity abandoned them in favor of Star Wars Prequel figures. However, the Warner Brothers would have me believe that it would be super exciting to visit multiple sites daily to gather codes which can be entered into their Facebook app to unlock "virtual" cards (from this point forward we're going to call them what they are: jpgs). I'm left wondering what's exciting about a picture stuck in a shockwave document that I can't download?

Prepared for my cynicism, Warner has gone so far as to turn the whole mess into a data mining operation contest. That's right, by registering for the opportunity to see pictures taken directly from the video that they're planning to sell me, I'd also be eligible to win a Playstation 3 or an HDTV on which to watch the Blu-Ray version of the movie. This sweepstakes is open to anyone older than 13 and a registered Facebook user. I shudder to think that this "contest" of trolling corporate sites daily for codes to unlock advertising would appeal to anyone who was older than 13, but I've learned to keep expectations very low when dealing with anyone associated with any social networking site. I'm sure they're looking forward to the next WB contest in which they can call a special 1-800 number and tell the operator where they live and what appliances they have for the opportunity for someone to come take them away from them.

The ultimate question is whether this unique strategy will pay off in increased sales of the direct-to-video movie. I don't see how it could. How could anyone fall for such a pointless promotion? Who would spend so much time traveling between sites to collect cards whose sole purpose is to create a buzz for a marketable product? Who would get so excited about the upcoming release of a movie such as, say, 1995's Judge Dredd that they'd go hours out of their way on multiple visits to hunt down an entire 90 card set of trading cards one $5.99 pack at a time at Oxford Comics located inside Oxford Books in Atlanta, GA? Only a fool, I'm sure.

On a completely unrelated note, I promise that I don't have any Judge Dredd cards. (Anymore.) So stop looking at me like that.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: batman comic books dear diary judge dredd movies superman trading cards two face

How can anyone like Thor? Sure, he's powerful. Heck, he ought to be, he's the Norse god of Thunder. But he's an asshole. He's such an asshole that his daddy stuck him in the body of a cripple just to keep him on Earth and away from the rest of the gods. This is the equivalent of a court-mandated anger management course for immortals.

I think that Thor hangs around the Avengers because he doesn't have any other friends or followers. I'm sure that if Jesus were half the asshole that Thor is, we'd have never heard of Catholicism. Just chill out, Thor. Not every declarative statement is an invitation to a hammer-throwing contest, if you know what I mean.

(Note: The picture above is a card -- actual size! -- from the 1966 Donruss Marvel Super Heroes trading card set. Someone at Marvel Comics thought it would be a great idea to replace the text of various panels with really, really banal bon mots. Looking at the set is like reading a Mad Magazine written by Jessica Simpson. It's excruciating.)

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: comic books thor trading cards

If I told you that I had NOT been carrying these in my wallet since 1989, would you believe me?

No, I didn't think so.

Card number 2 up there guarantees a ride in the "Batcar" to the scene of a crime in progress. I'm sure that's some bait-and-switch for those poor rubes who show up expecting a trip in the Batmoblie only to find themselves seated in an aging Citroen driven by some descendent of John Batman. (Historical note: in the mid-19th Century, Mr. Batman, self-proclaimed "greatest landowner in the world," attempted to found a settlement that would eventually became known as Melbourne, Australia. Only he had planned to call it "Batmania." Seriously.) Knowing the unscrupulous nature of Mr. Batman, the advertised crime scene would probably be your own mugging. Just like with real credit cards, membership privileges only extend so far.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: batman trading cards

If this were an online sex story, it would have to be coded "MMb, s/m, cosplay."

 

Even though this is probably the stupidest death trap that the Joker has ever conceived, that's clearly not the real story in this image. The real question should be, "why does Robin look so happy about what's about to happen?"

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: batman seduction of the innocent trading cards

In the infamous Seduction of the Innocent, Dr. Wertham describes the relationship between Batman and Robin as "the wish dream of two homosexuals living together."

I think it is most interesting that the character of Robin, created purely for the purpose of encouraging children readers to more closely relate to the adventures of the Batman, has served his purpose so well as to result in the enduring cultural subtext of the gay Batman. Even Dr. Wertham's studies indicate that Robin, not Batman, is the character that most people with homosexual desires project themselves into. No one wants to sleep with Robin; they want to be ravashed by the Batman. Robin is freqently shown pining for Batman, yet rarely, if ever, is Batman shown doing anything demonstrably homoerotic in nature. That makes Robin, not Batman, the homosexual partner in the Dynamic Duo.

See what I mean? Damn, boy, can't you even keep your legs together!

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: batman comic books rainbow seduction of the innocent super dictionary trading cards

It's no big secret in certain crowds that I have an affinity for Batman and tentacle monsters. Imagine my pleasure when I recently came across card number 8 in the Tops 1966 Batman collector card set:

Sweet, sweet tentacles.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: batman tentacles trading cards